My personality is chaotic. Super black or white. Fly by the seat of my pants. It’s tiring and frustrating and cyclical.
The last several years have felt like they happened TO me. Like I didn’t have a say and like I wasn’t an active participant in life, it was just going. And children were born, and a marriage happened, and more children came, and moves in and out of homes and towns were made, and to a point I was active in the little choices that led up to the bigger events, but it didn’t ever feel like things were in my grasp. Maybe another post would be best to dive into all of these details, but my life felt very unstable and like I could not stabilize it.
I now recognize that this thinking stunk and was part of my victimization mindset.
As a mom to 3, 3 and under, I often felt like I couldn’t have any order or routine while working some nights as a waitress and tandem nursing. Dinner always snuck up on me as a surprise event, which led to sporadic dinner times each night (why didn’t I consistently meal plan or prep or at least thaw a pound of burger out the night before so I had SOMETHING to work with??) the house was trashed by the end of the day (why didn’t I just pick it up as the day went on??) laundry was a whole situation. A hectic day a week of doing every clothing item when I realized there was nothing left for us to wear after digging in the family clothing heap. (Why didn’t I do laundry as it dirtied? Or put it away?) Bed time had me resentful toward my husband as I had put him in charge of putting our boy to sleep, and I corralled the tandem feeders for hours a night. Regularly recurring bills snuck up on us, and with no budget or discipline, our financials were a mess. Instead of dealing with my children’s behavior as communication, I played on my phone and threw snacks at them instead of helping their emotions.
This is all embarrassing to admit especially in the age of tearing every single person who is honest apart on social media, but at the same time I’m not in this place anymore, so I not only have zero judgment for another who is here, but I know it can be used to help someone!
I don’t have a lot of self-discipline. Lazy? Mental lethargy? Some critical childhood development thwarted? Lack of structure as a kid? Self-sabotage? I mean IDK. All of the above? A and C?
In all of my problems throughout life, I’ve focused solely on the cause or root, which while important for personal development and healing, has never served me as much as focusing on the solution does!
Here is what I did to help me become more intentional. I am not perfect but our lives have improved dramatically!!
Ask God to show you what in your life is out of order and unintentional. He loves you and wants to restore order from chaos.
2. 1 YEAR PLAN. 5 YEAR PLAN.
This would sound stupid to me if I read it a year ago. I hate stumbling upon anything that sounds like personal development life coach stuff when I am not in the mood to develop my personality. But it works because it helps you to bridge that gap of here to there because it begs the question, what do I need to do to get there?
This time last year, I desperately wanted my children to be sleeping by 7 each night and for us to get on a debt free plan. I wanted a tidier home, to be a better parent, and to gain control of my eating addiction.
3. IDENTIFY ROAD BLOCKS
So now that I know what I need to do...What is standing in the way of each of my goals? Getting my children all asleep by 7 required a new place for my girls to sleep as our fairly new home had the shared girls’ room on my “I’ll get around to it” list for fixing up. I cleared that baby out, had the carpet torn up, busted out tack strips, plastered and sanded, painted and had a local man whip up some cute toddler beds. It took about a month, but it freed up an area of stress for me when I envisioned bed time and how I wanted it to go. (More on this another day) I found a plain hard bound journal and began budgeting based on Dave Ramsey https://www.throughakarbonfilter.com/blog/how-i-set-up-my-budget-book
I took one or two days a weekend for a month and massively purged room by room on each floor, which helped the untidiness. (More another day!) I logged out of social media for 8 months to be more present for my children which helped their behavior immensely:https://www.throughakarbonfilter.com/blog/8-months-without-facebook
My eating has not been a real story of triumph yet, but I’m working on it. https://www.throughakarbonfilter.com/blog/8-months-without-facebook
4. WHAT IS YOUR MAIN SABOTEUR?
What is it about YOU that gets in the way of YOU? Realizing how you self sabotage can help all areas of your life. Try taking this test. What I really appreciate about this particular test is that it explains the original survival function of each saboteur. This can lead to serious healing! Ask God to help you recognize when you’re doing it, once you know! I’m NOT being paid or compensated to mention this website, by the way.
5. GUT IT OUT!
This is the hard part for someone like me who is so back and forth. This is where the WORK comes in. You have to actually do the things. Give yourself one at a time to work on so as not to become overwhelmed, and then do that thing for an amount of time you commit to. 10 days. Two weeks. Pray each morning for help, and have grace for yourself when you fall short. You can do it!!
Your experience could be different so if this doesn’t work for you, please share with me what does! Wishing you filters of intentionality!